American Idol : Results 3/28

seacrest begins the show with a mock ponyhawk a la sanjaya.

now for the coolest ford commercial ever featurng the clash song, 'i fought the law and the law won' with chris richardson as a wanted man, and jordin leading the pursuit of him by nice shiny fords kickin up dust. awesome.

our bottom three tonight are phil, haley and... it'll have to wait until after the latest appeal from 'idol gives back' to corporate america. exxon mobil is getting in on this public relations opportunity as well. way to go exxon. gwen looks spectacular as usual, man does she have some legs on her.

gwen stefani with akon doing 'sweet escape', and it seems akon has been relegated to a purely support role, tossing in an occasional 'woo-hoo' and 'yeah' and 'everybody make some noise!' i would almost go see her in june at the excel. i might just do that. wow, she's bringing lady soveriegn on tour with her! s.o.v.....

third in the bottom three is chris sligh. thats a shame. he looks bummed.

phil is safe, and going home will be chris sligh. blast. well, his performance last night was pretty terrible, he was ahead of the melody, just like gwen warned about.
30 million votes and chris got the fewest.

gina and haley and sanjaya and phil all deserved to go home before chris sligh. even chris richardson had a bad week this week with his weak rendition of 'dont speak'. alas, america voted and so long chris. he was one of the funniest and most genuine contestants to ever be on the show.


how sanjaya managed to stay out of the bottom three is a goddamn mystery to me, even with all the help he's getting from howard stern and votefortheworst.com.

next week is tony bennett and his songs.

American Idol : The Top Ten

tonights episode features Gwen Stefani as the knowledgable and insightful celebrity. she will help our top ten work on songs in the generously vague 'no doubt and bands that influenced no doubt' category. also, tonights show will be an hour and seven minutes. bonus. now for a purely gratuitous gwen photo:



gwen is 'really invested' in the show and admits that the artists she loves arent known for their "big singing, or amazing voice, its more about their personalitites, their character, their styles" preach it, you adorable popstar you. someone needs to tell a few of these kids how to perform.

up first tonight will be lakisha and she blew gwen away in rehearsals. 'i should be asking her for advice, shes amazing' says a smiling gewn stefani, who has sold 8 million records as a solo artist. lakisha rocks donna summers' 'the last dance' and everyone loves it. a great performance, but not one of her best.

chris sligh is up with 'every little thing she does is magic' and right away gwen is worried about how fast chris is singing it, like getting ahead of the tune, and right away thats an issue. now i love that song and i love chris, but that was not a good representation of either. rough.

gina is inspired by gwen and picks 'ill stand by you' from the pretenders. actually written by shirley bassey so it might have qualified for british invasion week also. fascinating. gina sucks. i just dont like her. randy thinks it was one of her best ever, paula agrees and simon declares it not only ginas best prformance ever, but the best so far tonight. pish posh.

"im singing bathwater, by no doubt....?" says sanjaya before gwen deals what absolutely must be a death blow to this jackass before he even opens his mouth. "...he kinda forgot some of the words...its gonna be really difficult for him, but he chose it so good luck to him." ya good luck sanjaya.
it seems he has gotten wind of what has kept him in the competition, namely being some kind of celebrated terrible anti idol, and embraced it fully. he rocking a huge...what is that a mohawk? no, certainly not. a fauxhawk...a frohawk...nop its 7 ponytails that form a fauxfrohawk. i am so ready to see this dude go.

haley is up and gwen wishes she would tone it down a bit. 'true colors' is haleys inexpicable song choice. i mean really, what the fuck is that? its like she has foregone any attempy at being a talented singer and is now relying on her good godfearin kat mcphee like goodlooks and sickeningly wholesome personality to advance her into the finals. the judges take it pretty easy on her but it was clear that everyone thought it was pretty weak. i hope america banishes her from this island soon after sanjaya.

"i didnt think it was gonna be that good!" says ewith a laugh. phil is so fucking lame that he chooses the stalker theme 'every breath you take'. boring. super safe choice. he didnt do anything wrong vocally, he just sucks.

heaven knows by donna summer is what doolittle chose to sing, and gwen is impressed. super crazy disco lights abound and as usual i am skeptical of doolittle and her 'im too humble for this show' attitude. but man did i think she was fantastic tonight and showed that she *could* get really fired up and blow eveyone away if only she would cut loose a little more or take some drugs or get laid or something. "vocally you were, as usual, outstanding. hate the outfit." pokes simon cowell.

blake is doing 'love song' by the cure and gwen is interested, but doesnt sound convinced that its a good idea. she cautions about when blake should use the beatboxing. blake is no doubt most familiar with this song through 311's cover of it, which is in my opinion, pretty fucking fantastic. blake made it all the way through the song and didnt break out any beatboxing what-so-eva. he sounded great. "i wouild love to see you in the finale" says paula. "definitely the strongest guy in the competition" says simon. tot.

jordin sparks is gonna do 'hey baby hey' and gwen is excited for her and calls her cute and refreshing. awww. well im not sure if this was the perfect choice for the american idol stage, but i appalud her effort and her socks.
randy: "you could sing anything"
paula: "youre adorable and youre hip and youre young"
simon: "most improved performance"
fuck yeah girl.

chris richardson "likes to do the vocal olympics kind of thing" says gwen and if he stays away from that, maybe he can pull off 'dont speak'. i dont think he pulled it off at all. sounded whiny and that was probably his weakest performance in weeks. maybe months.

tomorrow night gwen stefani performs and one of our top ten go home. i *hope* its sanjaya or haley.

American Idol : The Results 3/22

up first is peter noone, singing 'a kind of hush', and man is this guy ever lame. he is clearly having fun but i think he may be the only one, save for the old timer british expatriate crowd. i wonder what would happen if one of the contestants refused to clap along and feign interest in this kind of celebrity performance.

nice! another ford commerciual, this one centers around doing laundry and features that stupid 'another saturday night and i aint got nobody, i got some money cuz i just got paid...' song. i couldnt tell you how many times ive heard the big wu start that one up and let out a big sigh, like the next five minutes are gonna suck. at least this version has 11 of the most popular people in america awkwardly and hilariously vying for the votes/calls/texts of millions of americans. hey blake, why are you putting so much detergent in that washing machine?! oh i see, to create tons of soapy bubbles for everyone to frolic in! you mischevious rascal!
also: melinda doolittle can do a mean cartwheel. that outta win some votes from the gymnastics folks.

random celebrity cameo (shameless fox plug) of brad garrett, then on to the important stuff.

sanjaya, haley and gina are all asked to stand and they are most certainly the bottom three. NO?! i have never yelled "WHA?!" at the tv so loud in my life.
as if that aint enough, chris richardson and stephanie edwards are the bottom two vote getters this week. fucking absurd. damn, i really cannot believe it.

does anyone take part in these ridiculously easy idol tivia things?

in 'idol gives back' news, seacrest is sending a message out to corporate america. at&t and coke will make a substantial donation to the american idol charity, will your company? i love this idea, its positve for any corporation to be against feeding starving children and/or american idol. this will raise millions, possibly trillions.


lulu starred in 'to sir with love' with sidney poiter and she can actually belt.

30 million people voted this week and stephanie got the least. that is shocking but at least chris richardson is still with us. welcome to the top ten. so long stepahine:

American Idol : The Top Eleven

tonights theme is british invasion tunes, and to help the contestants along we have lulu and peter noone, old school british songsters.

up first is haley with 'tell him' and shes got quite a little outfit on. about all shes got going for her is her kat mcphee like body and dark hair. man she is just not a good singer at all. randy calls it her best performance to date, paula loved it and called her adorable and simon says 'you naughty litle thing' before calling the song pitchy.


chris richardson does 'dont let the sun catch you crying' with an acoustic guitar player on stage with him. he sounds great and the judges think it was his best ever, and sexy. he'll be around for awhile for sure.

stephanie edwards sings a dusty springfield song, 'you dont have to say you love me'. starts out pretty boring, and continues that way.

time of the season is blakes selection, along with some unnessecary slow dancing and of course a brief beatboxing intelude. its like he fucking NEEDS to do it. all the judges loved what he did with the song. well done seattle.

lakisha jones says 'my history with british music is absolutely nuthin' but i bet she knows more than she thinks she does. she picks 'diamonds are forever' and walks on stage wearing a cool million in bling. damn she sounds like a cool million too. fantastic.

phil stacey picks 'tobacco road' because its fun to sing. he starts singing and doesnt stop moving, almost franticly, around the stage. its a pretty rockin number but phil simply doesnt rock.

jordin is asked to name a song that describes her and she excitedly says without hesitation 'im so excited by the pointer sisters!'. adorable. 'i who have nothing' is the name of her song, and although its kind of a downer, she sang the hell out of it and sounded outstanding. absolutely outstanding. she. kicks. ass. judges concur.

sanjaya says 'i dont think im the best singer in the competition' and has a hard time deciding between 'you really got me' or 'something tells me im into something good'. he goes with the former, by the kinks. im guessing he chose that one because he can somewhat hide his terrible vocals by bouncing around and making a dreadful attempt at rocking out. is it really now just a big ongoing joke, that he's still in the competition? how long is sanjaya gonna hang in there? randy unbeleivably thinks it was sanjayas best performance yet.

gina glocksen goes for 'paint it black' from the rolling stones. she wants to be the female daughtry but she aint got the chops. its only a matter of time for her. randy likes the 'edge vibe' from the 'resident rocker from this season', and simon puts it perfectly when he says it was 'style over content'. a matter of time.

chris sligh gets some advice on being sexy from peter noone and sings 'shes not there', from the zombies. he starts his performance in the audience and someone has an awesome sign out there:

i think this was one of my favorite performances tonight. chris rocks.


doolittle is last and does 'as long as he needs me' a nice and easy song that finds melinda casually sitting on the stage as she begins. she very well may have the best voice of anyone whos ever been on this show but i dont think america will take anyone that humble all the way. we are, after all, at war. simon wonders if she is really as nice as she seems, and calls it an 'impeccable vocal'

my guess is either haley sanjaya or phil wont make the top ten.

American Idol : The Results 3/14

its all twelve idols doing a well choreographed and utterly ridiculous 'baby love' into 'stop in the name of love' diana ross medly! whew that was rough.

then, the first ford commercial of the season with modest mouse's 'float on'. hilariously bizzare.

diana ross can make an entrance but her voice sounds far past its prime. it would be funny to hear simon call the performance aaabsoluutely dreadful.

whos going home? the bottom three are brandon, phil and sanjaya. no huge surprises there, except that haley got more votes than phil and brandon.

brandon is going home? snajya is still here? oh my this is the first travesty of the season. thats some protection sanjaya has got there, wow.

American Idol : The Top Twelve

oh christ this is two hours tonight?! man oh man. that is a spectacular stage they have, and seacrest tells us it'll be the home of the show for the next three months. three more months?

diana ross will help our top twelve work on a song of hers. she had over 80 top ten hits!

brandon kicks things off tonight and he's gonna do 'you cant hurry love'. he sounds pretty lame. he's just too square for me, and thats that. ill admit he can sing but he doesnt seem to have much personality to me. randy thought he sounded like a backup singer, which he is. paula said nothing intelligible one way or the other, and simon called it not good enough. he forgot the words to the song for goodnesssakes.

melinda doolittle gets a question from the at home audience. whats the hardest part of the competition, melinda? "the high heels and these dresses, i like my tennis shoes and sweatpants." what a darling.
"any advice on the high heels?" seacrest asks simon.
"you should know ryan", simon quickly quips back.
"stay out of my closet" ryan says
"come out" simon pleads
"this is about the top twelve ok, not your wishes."
i give that round to seacrest. seacrest out. way to think fast guys. those two... always with the gay jokes.

anyway what now? who? oh yeah doolittle. from the movie musical thing the wiz, 'home' is her diana ross song of choice. even tho it sounded like a musical it was good. girls one, guys zero scores randy. paula is in tears becasue shes so in love with doolittle. "you made a very boring song fantastic, you remind me of a young gladys knight", says simon.

chris sligh likens his hair to dianas in the photo shoot before singing 'endless love'. not his best performance by a long shot but he made even that sound ok. randy called him on the coldplayesque rearrangement. yes, exactly randy. paula thinks he was trying ultrahard to be ultracool and hip, and simon thinks he murdered the arrangement and he should keep his glasses on. word. he'll still be back next week. as much as i love motown, these theme weeks can be absolutely brutal and theres the first good example of it.

gina glocksen does 'love child' and diana reminds her how important pronunciation is. "you must pronunciate everything". this might be the best gina has ever sounded, even though it wasnt fantastic. judges werent really impressed but i bet shes a got a week or two left on the show.

sanjaya must have some kind of bulletproof angel gaurding him for how long he has lasted undeservingly in this competition. tonight he sings 'aint no mountain high enough'. how did this kid get this far again? this has gotta be one of the worst top twelve performances ever. that was terrible. randy: "not very good...the hair's rockin tho!" id be surprised if he makes it to next week, bulletproof angel or not.

haley gets a question from the audience. whats the craziest place you ever sang? "here. this stage", she replies. what a bore. haleys gonna sing 'missing you' which was written about marvin gaye after he was killed. interesting. i love educational television. another outrageously bad top twelve performance? wow. we'll see if jesus saves next week. randy noticed her forgetting words, i didnt. paula says she looks lovely, and forgetting the words is never a good thing to do, and your pitch... simon, inexplicably, liked it and gives haley an unexpected and unwarrented ego boost. i think hes pandering to the religous right.

phil stacey sings 'im gonna make you love me', and this may be the best vocal of the night. but, now i think i know why i dislike phil. hes like michael mcdonald for teenagers. bald teenagers. i mean i love michael mcdonald and dont have anything against bald teenagers per se, but phil just aint got the soul of a doobie brother.

lakisha is up. 'god bless the child' a billie holiday number. damn shes got some attitude. dynamite. 'sensational' says randy. 'your heart comes through when you sing' says paula and simon says 'outstanding'. fuck she is bril.

blake lewis is dressed up smoother than seacrest. what type of music do you listen to? asks an at home viewer, "underground hip hop..." replies the vocal turntablist. blake is gonna do his own rendition of 'you keep me hangin on'. wow. hes way more talented than i originally thought, but it got a little wierd at the end and there were too many flashing lights. randy and paula both thought it wouldnt kill him to let the classics be the classics. simon didnt get it, but i thought it was at least allright.

stephanie is in love with diana ross and is excited to sing 'love hangover' damn she is sultry and sounds good, but none of the judges think it was great.

chris richardson is singing 'the boss' and diana likes it very much. 'its a work the audience kind of song'. im not really sure what to make of that performance- i laughed out loud at one point but i think it ended up ok. he'll be fine for weeks.

tonights grand finale is jordin sparks. i want her to kick ass tonight, but she says shes gonna show her softer side. 'if we hold on together' from the land before time. thats the dinosaur movie right? she starts the song sitting down. i hate that. it starts slow and kinda boring but when she stood up and started moving around it got more exciting, but not much more exciting. still it was good. randy put her on par with lakisha and doolittle, and paula and simon both love her as well. nice. get em jspark.

tomorrow night diana ross will perform. also, so long sanjaya and haley.

American Idol : The Results 3/8

yay! we begin with a group song, stuck in the middle, the steve miller resovoir dogs song. wait a minute, this isnt entertaining...this has gotta be the most ridiculous song choice for the whole bunch of them ever. so forced. even the producers cant pick the right songs this season. oh man that was brutal.

37 million votes this week! fantastic. here we go.

blake and lakisha are top twelve. of course.
chris is in the top twelve.
j-spark too, claro.
phil? phils safe also. and he cant hold back tears as he joins the other top twelvers. shucks.

jared? nope. goin home, because he sucked. he had a good strategy, be taylor hicks light, but somehow it didnt pan out.

melinda nad brandon go to center stage, and they have to feel good about that. theyre both safe.

gina and chris. safe

carrie underwood is back. what can you really say about her, i mean she was adorable from the beginning, there was nothing about her you could not love. innocent, smart talented, pretty, blonde, american. she sounds dynamite, even if youre not into that whole 'jesus take the wheel' kind of thing.

antonella is going home. that fucking rocks. she simply didnt have the talent. thats the last we have to hear of that whole deal, and american idol is pure again.

haley made it through, presumably with some help from above or some shit, and...

sabrina leaves us tonight. excellent. its all falling into place.

this is american idols 200th episode. nice. 'idol gives back' will be a campaign to raise awareness and money to fight extreme poverty. wow....thats just....really unexpected...but awesome...simon and seacrest went to africa to see poverty,
randy went to new orleans and saw katrinas devestation, when did all this start?

so this season will feature an original quincy jones song specifically penned for the idol top six, borat will make an appearance, as well as gwen stefani. josh groban, pink, annie lennox and bono will all be on the show as well. damn.

sundance and sanjaya: which one will it be? itll be sundance going home. i am ok with that america. well done.

so leaving us are jared, antonella, sabrina and sundance.

this is when it gets good.