American Idol - The Top Five and Neil Diamond

Only five Idols left, and tonight Neil muthafuckin Diamond is in the house. Each contestant is going to do two Neil Diamond songs and judges will have their say after the second songs. The guy's got 27 studio albums and has been around for a very long time, let's see how he handles this bunch.


Castro is first with "Forever in blue Jeans", and Mr. Diamond thinks he’ll do very well. I am not so convinced. This is about as horrible a performance as Castro has put in all season. Really dreary and uninspired.

David Cook gave Neil goosebumps with his interpretation of "I'm Alive", and Neil thinks he's just great. Cook’s first number is his biggest miss in probably months. The guy has been on an upward climb for a long time, but I didn’t think that was up to par. Still he showed some of the personality he has that some seem to like so much.

Brooke is going to play im a believer with guitar, and it sounds like a shrek burger king commercial with a scared looking glitterface singing. She looked frightened, of how bad she was doing perhaps, and I bet she is glad judgment is being withheld for now.

Archuleta does "Sweet Caroline", How much you wanna bet Simon is thinking this is like a wedding singer? This guy has got to go. They should have automatically disqualified whoever chose this song.

Syesha is doing "Hello Again" and when she's done Neil Diamond asks her for a hug. Then we are subjected to a barefoot sleepy old love song.

When the Top Five all gather on stage, I am left a little disappointed. No Carly, no Michael, and I realize that I suppose I am rooting for David Cook more than anyone else. At least he is interesting and unique. Then Paula starts talking about Jason’s second song, which has not happened yet, and Simon flies through a vicious round of criticism.

"September Moon" is Castro's second pick, and I am forced to wonder if he is trying to get booted from the show. His performances have been so lackluster and boring lately, it is a wonder he is still here at all. Randy says it was ok, Paula says it was safe, and Simon thinks this is not the Jason we put in this competition.
David Cook's second number, another unknown Neil Diamond song, sounds more like a Creed song, but the judges still love it. Paula says she already feels like she's looking at the next American idol, and Simon thought it was brilliant. I guess he really is the one to beat.

Brooke White does "I am I said", and her switching the words to accomodate Arizona was outstanding. Not. Yeah, Neil Diamond told you to do it, but it's still dumb. Of course Randy and Paula thought the song was great and Simon thinks as well that this is the Brooke we like, sitting behind the piano and all. That's the Brooke I would like to see go home.

Archuleta is up with an 'I just broke out of prison black and white striped t-shirt and "Coming to America", that was a solid performance if you are at your local bowling alley doing karaoke on Tuesday night, but unfit for this level of competition. let freedom ring, he belts out at the end, is that even part of the song? Judges love it, and Simon calls it a smart song, presumably in the same way that singing God Bless America was a smart choice for Kristi Lee Cook.

Syesha is going to finish the show with "Thank the Lord for the Nighttime". A jazz cabaret type song and its surprisingly bearable. Of course it had Syesha's characteristic musical feel to it, which Randy mentions, saying it could be on Broadway, and Paula loves the texture and compares her to Corrine Baily Ray. Simon thinks Syesha is a good actress/singer and she may be in trouble tonight. Syesha looks embarrassed and asks “Why” like a scared puppy. She sure is a fine actor at least. Because you suck sweetheart, and you are still smiling after Simon told you youre toast.

If we are lucky, Jason and Syesha will be in the bottom two, maybe even Brooke.

American Idol - Results 4/23

Results night and we begin with what I am assuming is some kind of Andrew Lloyd Weber medley. It’s absolutely meaningless to me. A Lloyd looks proud as he could be at the piano while our 6 finalists prance around in simple choreographed fashion.

Seacrest and Weber sit down and chat about performing live and Weber is pretty forgiving when asked about Brooke’s mistake last night. He seems like a nice fella. Funny lookin, but nice. Asked about Jason Castro’s performance, he says it was “The most curious song choice I’ve heard in my career”. Indeed Castro's bizarre choice could spell trouble for him.

Tonight's Ford commercial has "Tainted Love" and everyone looking graphic novel tough and cartoons mixed with real live action. Man they just keep getting stranger.

Then G.W. Bush and Laura Bush congratulate the American people for donating $65 million in the Idol Gives Back campaign. That makes me so fucking mad. How many millions in tax cuts did you give to your buddies and take away from poor African children? American children? How many millions of dollars have you put us in debt to fund your imperialism? And so on. “Thank you for your compassion” he says. Fuck you.

And after much ado, David and David are both safe.

Next we check in with Tamyra Gray and Clay Aikin, both of whom are doing quite well on Broadway.

Also on the program, Leona Lewis is like the biggest thing ever, and she is Simon's little darling. He discovered her and made her a star or some such nonsense. Here she is, singing her hit “Bleeding Love” and I don't really care for it.

Syesha and Brooke are up, and Brooke is safe. Syesha is half of the bottom two.

Jason Castro and Carly Smithson are all that’s left, and Jason is safe. Bullshit.

Carly cannot go home. No way. No way no way. Damn.

Now Carly has to sing this upbeat song to the Christ. Again, I thought it was dynamite. She's got more going for her than anyone else I think.

Syesha takes this opportunity to ham it up again, to the delight of her high school drama teacher.

Finally, results: 38 million votes and America is sending Carly home. What a bunch of goddamn horseshit. Bastards. She leaves us a class act, happy to have come this far, and I bet we have not heard the last of her. Still, what a drag.

Well, last week was a dream come true, the KLC leaving part anyway, not the Mariah Carey, and this week was a nightmare. I guess that’s not too surprising, what with the economy the way it is and all. Next week is Neil Diamond, and that should be downright awesome.

American Idol - The Andrew Lloyd Weber Affair

So I completely missed last week's results show, but I am happy to report that after months and months of unwarranted hanging on, Kristi Lee Cook has finally been booted from the competition. Mariah Carey proved to be her Kryptonite. Not only that, but America got the bottom three absolutely perfect, with Syesha, Brooke, and KLC.


Andrew Lloyd Weber is a famous composer of all things musical. He's written 13 musicals including Phantom of the Opera, Jesus Christ Superstar, Cats, and Evita. This week has Syesha written all over it, and it could be disastrous for everyone else.

Syesha Mercado is up first and this is the theme week she has been waiting for. I bet she could have chosen any of a dozen or more Andrew Lloyd Weber numbers she knows by heart but she settles on "One Rock and Roll too Many". It is over the top theatrical, of course, and even the sexy red dress she has on cannot make me enjoy this performance. She starts atop the piano in ubercliche musical songstress fashion, and overacts the entire time, flirting with the band director and everything. Randy is excited to share his revelation that Syesha should take her jazz hands on over to Broadway. Yes, please go there Syehsa, like now.

Castro is up and he doesn't look very confident. ALW thought it was ' a bit of a jolt' to hear a man with dreadlocks singing this song. "I didn't know a cat was singing it!" says a Jason Castro who is clearly lost in this weeks theme. I didn't know either my man. This song was a questionable choice but again, I think most everyone will struggle with this week's theme. Randy calls it "a little bit of a train wreck". Nice Randy, only a little bit of a train wreck. Simon just calls a spade a spade and says this is just not Castro's thing. Word.

Brooke White has what is probably the worst screw up I have ever seen on the show at the very beginning of her song, and she awkwardly has to stop and have the band start a second time. Despite this mishap she trudges through the song, only to hear from the judges that she looked "tense" and "uncomfortable". Her time is about up.



"This song was written for a diva, written for a girl" says Andrew Lloyd Weber of David Archuleta's pick. It wouldn't be the first time David has made that kind of questionable choice. I am so sick of this guy.

Carly Smithson picked a song from Jesus Christ Superstar, and it is without a doubt the only song tonight that I recognize, and I am glad that Carly is doing it. She knocked it out of the park, it was magnificent. One of Simon's faves of the night, and mine by a mile.

David Cook is "Man of the Night" from Phantom of the Opera, what Andrew Lloyd Weber calls "the most sexiest song I've ever written." Well, this song doesn't really do much for me but there is no denying this guy's star power and his almost meteoric rise the last several weeks. He could really win this whole thing. Paula says something about "savor each sensation" and that's it!

Our bottom three for this week and beyond is Brooke, Jason, and Syesha.

American Idol - The Mariah Carey Affair

Ryan Seacrest opens the show with an acknowledgment that the show/contestants/country/world is still feeling the shockwaves after last week’s unexpected departure of Michael Johns. The audience rightfully chimes in with a healthy round of boos, but the fact remains-we have lost one of the good ones.

Tonight, one of the most consistently successful and powerful forces in pop music mentors the Final 7. Mariah Carey and her infamous 5 octave range may also be among the most detested pop icons in American history. She personifies bubblegum and is thought by some to be a straight up skank, but you have to give her credit for 160 million albums sold, and 18 #1 hits, which happens to be more than Elvis. She brought her dog to the "boot camp" that is American Idol, and I wonder what kind of drugs Mimi does, as she looks like she may be in some kind of vicodin induced haze. Maybe she's just happy.

Archuleta says that meeting Mariah Carey was ”really scary”. Word. "When you belieive” is his choice, and I have had just about enough of this little dude. He has certainly found his stride the past several weeks with these feeble yet (presumably to his fans) inspirational ballads. This song is even a duet between Whitney and Mariah? Oh lord David, why do you fancy yourself such a diva? "I don’t think were in for a lot of laughs tonight...", Simon says. I have a feeling he's right, this could be absolutely fucking brutal.

Carly the beautiful Irish lass says its been boring without MJ, who was the only contestant on the show, in my ever so humble opinion, that had the character and style and charm of Carly. Mariah loves Carly, and they agree that this is going to be fantastic. And it is. It wasn’t her greatest thing ever, but it is still great. The judges aren’t huge fans of it, with Simon even saying that he was hoping he'd get to hear Carly sing it and was disappointed.

Syesha decides to show her Mariah-range by selecting some song that Mariah wrote in her teens that I am guessing no one but diehard Mimi fans know. Leave it to Syesha to pick a bad Mariah Carey song when there were 18 number 1 hits and countless others to choose from. I am so sick of this chick. Syesha may have sparkly hair and a sparkly gold dress, but that wasn’t a very sparkly performance. Randy thinks she pulled it off and Paula thought she made a good choice with a song nobody has heard of. Simon thinks she made a huge mistake by not picking a hit. I must concur with my man Cowell.

Brooke White has a million times the sparkle of Syesha and she’s sad because she missed her sister's wedding. Shut up Brooke. Mariah calls hera "Genuine person" who "sings from the heart". Splendid. "Hero" is a simple and solid choice, played at the piano acoustically, but then she fell flat somewhere in the middle and didn’t recover, and even got a little off course on the melody. Simon pulls out the old "it’s a bit like ordering a hamburger, and then only getting the bun.” metaphor. Would that be a Brooke Whitebread pun Sir Cowell? “Wheres the beef? Asks Paula cleverly. I like my joke way better.

“Forever” is how long KLC is going to regret the decision to sing this song. "Can I give you a hug???" asks KLC after she gave Mariah Carey goosebumps. Kristi was clearly surprised that the genius behind "Glitter" would be impressed with her voice. It’s a horrendous performance. Randy thinks it was ok and Paula was blown away. "You didn’t give me chills..." Simon says in reference to Mariah's reaction to the song. Exactly.

David Cook picked "You'll Always be my Baby", which surprised Mariah, understandably. "It sounds like it could be a hit!", says Mariah Carey. We'll see about that. This is one of those big risks that could pay off big, but as soon as David Cook starts singing, it sounds like it is going to be really stale, but it picks up in the middle and earns a very rare standing ovation from Randy Jackson. I didn't think it was that great but I appreciate the risk he took and he showed again a knack for doing something different and brave. "That song could be on a movie soundtrack...it was a breath of fresh air." Says Paula "hopped up on drugs" Abdul. David Cook cant fight back tears as he hears this praise, his huge gamble paid off, and I would guess he'll be here again next week, with I suppose I have come to terms with. He doesn't bother me nearly as much a she used to.

"Interesting and different" says Mariah of Jason Castro’s version of ‘I Don’t Want to Cry” It’s really interesting and really different allright. Initially i think this is going to be a train wreck and my man Castro is in danger, but he actually did about the best he could have done with this week’s theme I think. Simon dug it and states it painfully for the ladies: "The guys completely won the night.” He is, as the judges are fond of saying, 1 million percent right.

So, i hate to keep repeating myself, but this week Syesha, Brooke and Kristi should be in the bottome three, and I would be content to see any of them leave the show.

American Idol - The Top 8 Results

Despite the good will towards mankind displayed last night, one of our Top 8 will be leaving tonight. Before we learn the results we are treated to another round of "Shout to the Lord" that the Idols performed last night as well and apparently sold a lot of downloads on itunes. On to business.

Brooke White is safe.

David Cook is safe.

Archuleta is safe.

Lots of African children are a little bit better off because off all those millions donated last night.

Jordin Sparks is a terrible lip syncher, and has a pretty lame song, I hate to say. But she looks terrific, and after her and Chris Brown faux paw a t eachother for awhile, Jordin is presented with 3 plaques honoring the million plus records she’s sold. I guess she’s doing allright.

Top 8 Ford video with " I Just Want to Celebrate". Actually a remarkably tolerable one, what with all the colors and all.

Castro is safe.

Kristi Lee Cook is safe.

Wow. The bottom three is Syesha, Carly and Michael Johns!



Scandal! This is an outrage. Carly and Michael are probably my two favorites! !!!!?!?!?!?!!? Damnit.

Bono and Hilary Clinton make impassioned appeals for cash, and McCain makes a terrible joke about Florida and Michigan’s votes counting. Yeah, you’d like their votes to count so you could run against Hilary, wouldn’t you Johnny Boy? Too bad.

Barack believes deeply in people coming together and doing good, in order to make this a more just, equal and hopeful world. Best of the night by far.

Syesha and Carly are safe, and the unthinkable has happened.

Seacrest brutally strings poor Michael along as he recounts how last year, no one was sent home during Idol Gives Back week, and this year...we say goodbye. I wish he would have punched Ryan Seacrest right in his mean mouth. What a load of shit. Michael Johns is eliminated. This country sucks.

American Idol - Inspiration Week, Pt 1

Last year, in honor of America's generosity during Idol Gives Back, no one left the competition. This year, Idol Gives Back has its own night and we send someone packing on Thursday's results show.

Michael Johns moved to this country with a dream, and so he must sing “Dream On”. I enjoyed it, but then again Ive always been partial to that over all other Aerosmith songs. Im not convinced he should have gone for those high notes. Not a brilliant choice, but it wasn't too bad.

Syesha is doing “I Believe” by Fantasia. What a crystal clear kiss ass move. I totally had her pegged for “I Believe the Children are Our Future”. Randy says it was “It was ok...you didn’t connect”. Abdul thinks it was one of her “most shining nights!" Simon thought she sang it well, but wonders - who is Syesha? Syesha is the chick going home.

Castro-“Somewhere Over the Rainbow”- Stupendous, that will probably be the first American Idol song I buy on itunes. And the ukulele? Outstanding. “Blazing, molten hot!", says Randy. Paula loved it, and Simon thought it was fantastic. Castro is a major player again.

"Anyway" by Martina McBride is KLC’s inspirational/don’t give up song, and Kristy’s only hope is to keep up with these type of songs. That will probably keep her here this week. Overall it was pretty agreeable. Simon cant argue with the brilliance of the song choice, and admires her ability to appeal to her audience.

Cook is up and is doing “Innocent" by Our Lady Grace, a song about the inner goodness about people, and people, it sucks. Cook has a lucrative career ahead of him on shows like Idol Gives Back. The 'give back' written on the palm of his hand was a clever touch. Randy and Simon didn’t like it, but Paula was testifying halfway through the song. That performance will probably keep him here another week.

Carly chooses "The Show Must Go On", by Queen. She sings dramatically, even defiantly, but she may have overdone it just a bit. The judges question her choice, and Simon even questions her safety this week. Lets hope she makes it.

Archuleta is up, and had a hard time picking which of his favorite inspirational songs to sing, but decided on "Angels", as done by Robbie Williams. David sits at the piano and melts a million hearts. Randy calls it David's hottest moment of the season, and Simon anoints it the best song choice of the night, and wonders why this song has never been a hit here. It was ok.


Brooke White is doing “You’ve Got a Friend” written by Carol King but made more popular by James Taylor. Its not inspiring or particularly entertaining, even tho I happen to like James Taylors treatment of it. Randy-it was ok. Abdul - "A perfect way to close the evening...you're definitive”. That totally doesn’t mean anything. Simon thought it was a pleasant walk in the park. Yes, a walk in the park in a hideous flamingo dress.


Bottom threes are getting difficult to predict but let's say, for consistency's sake, Kristy Lee Cook and Syesha and Brooke all look vulnerable.

American Idol - The Results 4/2

The Clark Brothers, from America’s Next Great Band will be performing tonight, as the winners of that show. But before that, our fabulous Top Nine must do a cheesy and predictable 9-5 singalong that actually gets pretty entertaining once they start pretend-harassing the judges.

Michael Johns is safe, with his fantastic Dolly T shirt. Archuleta is good. Carly is sent to the safe zone as well. I'm a happy man.

Stupid audience questions, then The Clark Brothers do the same song they did all season on America’s Next Great Band. That was a somewhat entertaining show, especially the heavy metal 8 year olds. These guys were always a little too prone to church tent style freak outs for me, not that I'm opposed to that sort of thing. I just didn’t care for the way these guys approach it. Nobody seemed to care when they won that other Idol spinoff, and I wonder if this will help them take off. I hope not.

Tonight’s Ford video features Run DMC’s “Tricky”, some street b-ballers, and some mighty fancy footwook and slam dunking by our finalists. Spectacular.

D Cook- to the safety sofa

Ramiele – Bottom 3. Word.

K.L. Cook’s crazily scribbled note is correct and she is also in the bottom 3.

Both Bucky Covington and Phil Stacey are alive and well and recording horrible country music. Bo Bice, on the other hand, underwent a few intestinal surgeries before he found his musical groove. Excellent.

Syesha is safe. Damn.

That leaves Brooke and Jason, and Jason is safe. Nice. Simon thinks this bottom three is “Absolutely right”. Exactly.



“Jesus and Gravity” is Dolly Parton’s new song, and I’m really not sure what to say about it, other than she has a lot of Jesus, and a fair anount of Gravity, working for/with/against her. Let’s move on. It seems as though Dolly wants to stay on the show, she can't say enough good things about the judges, and Seacrest eventually wrestles control back from Dolly.



Randy thinks Ramiele should go home, and Simon thinks Brooke should stay. Brooke stays. KLC buries Ramiele’s face in her bossum and the adios Ramiele montage rolls. Adios Ramiele.

American Idol -The Dolly Parton Chronicles

If ever there was an American Idol, it was Dolly Parton. It don't get much more American than that. She's been going strong for 40 years, and has written 3000 songs, sold millions of records, had millions of number one hits, etc. Strangely, this Ledgendary Figure of popular American Folklore and music has never been on the show, and people have been getting antsy, asking Dolly when it would happen. This could be a great night for some of these contestants, namely the gals, but it could be horrendous for the fellas.


Brooke White is first with “Jolene”, and Dolly believes the “she felt it”. Might be a smart choice, given Brooke's propensity for imitating older blonds well in song. Shes playing a guitar again, and I think that takes some guts at this stage in the game. Also with her are a hand drummer, a fiddler, and a backup vocalist. It sounded really rushed and she was totally coasting because shes a blond American female and thought she could this week. Simon says she was busking her way through the song, and the audience boos as if they know what that means. It means street performer, btw.

David Cook is up, and he has cleaned up, nicely even. “Little Sparrow” is his choice, and Dolly thinks if he reaches for it he can catch it. Cook’s got a guitar too, The obligatory hand waving in unison goes back and forth again in the (paid?) studio audience. Safe choice and the judges go along with it.

Ramiele was starstruck with Dolly and Dolly thought she had the spunk necessary for this song that I never caught the name of. No matter, it was not worth finding out, and this may be the end for sweet little Ramiele. It was another bland, disappointing choice from Ramiele, and she gets a 6 and a half outta 10 from Randy. That sounds about right. Paula thought she connected with the audience, but Simon found it forgettable, like a cruiseship singer. Simon must have been on a lot of cruises.

Jason Castro in the house, and he has a stalker who writes postcards. Dolly is fascintaed and tickled by Jason’s dreads, and loved that he picked “Travelin' Through” Castros clearly trying to step up the emotion and facial expresions as he sings "Sweet Jesus" and the crowd loves it. Randy and Paula love it and Simon didn’t get it. Not bad, but this is like the third or fourth week in a row that Castro has been pretty underwhelming.

Carly picked a perfect song according to Dolly Parton. "Here you come again,” and Carly is a wise young woman who has a much better sense of what she sounds good doing that most of the others. Another solid Carly joint. Randy says it s one of best of the night, and Paula is all like “Oh my God! And you look great!” Simon would like a word with Carly’s wardrobist, however.

Dolly can barely keep her false eyelashes in place when David Archuleta sings "Smoky Mountain Memories", and when you really think about it, what better compliment is there than that. Still, when he gets onstage and sings for America, it is yet another Archuleta snoozefest. Sure, it may have brought real tears to Dolly's fake 'lids and fake hand waving from real teenagers at his feet, but is this really going to cut it week after week? "David Archuleta is back!" proclaims Randy Jackson. "David Archuleta sucks!" I promptly respond.

Kristi Lee Cook, against all odds, is singing “Coat of Many Colors” and not "9-5" or "I will Always Love You". She is all sparkles, and, presumably stars and stripes as well. It is a boring, predictable performance, and I hope I do not have to deal with her very much longer. Randy says something about her "Wheelhouse" twice, and Paula thinks this was her best performance, "Pleasant but forgettable" says Simon. Lame.

"Syesha made a real good choice", is what Dolly thought about “I Will Always Love You". Will what Syesha describes as a "good combo" of Dolly and Whitney Houston fulfill my prediction that whoever sang this particular song would try to do it like Whitney and go home? Let's hope so, just for fun. Syesha is situated atop the piano and delivers a performance worthy of...going home. I stand by my premonition. "Took on the tiger" says Randy, and "did allright". One of the best pop songs ever written says Simon, but he wished someone other than Syesha had got the song. I'm glad she did, so that tiger can eat her alive.

Michael Johns' first concert was Dolly Parton, back in 1986. MJ was thrilled to sing this song in front of Dolly, and she even thinks she could write some good songs for him! That’s fantastic. Michael clearly is more familiar with her catalog than anyone else, and he just made the best choice of his career right there. That was magnificent. Randy calls it “Blazin' hot”, and Michael will definitely be here into the finals.

This weeks bottom = Ramiele, Syesha and Kristi Lee or Brooke White. I guess the guys held there own just fine tonight.