So here we have the best of the rest. and some lessons for future idol hopefuls.
lesson 1 : the look (is important)
our first singer is different and proud of it. christa fazzino cant sing so simon suggests she juggle for them. she cries and cries, but its a no. shell be back next season, if we're lucky.
next up is tami from colorado. sings whipping post. i say anyone who attempts the allman brothers in this competition deserves some credit right off the bat. and fuck does she ever nail it. she sounds great. 29 years old, cute lil lip piercing, might be the unlikely hero of season six, what a gorgeous, huge smile! shes adorable.
lesson 2 : seek inspiration
our next contestant is a young asian dude who wants to be more memorable than william hung and for a better reason. hes got a pretty good voice. goes to hollywood no problem.
jack from san antonio was inspired by bo bice, hes really bad but he'll never ever give up, which brings us to lesson three, never give up.
'about my 5th time auditioning' says one returning contestant. if you cant remember exactly how many times you have auditioned, or if you have tried and tried that many times and not succeeded, its time to give up.
season 5 contestant gina has auditiond 3 times and went to hollywood in season 5. she is back and proclaims that she is still in love with simon. goes for 'black velvet', and simon says she has soul, and of course, taste. i think she is just allright. i immediately am skeptical of anyone singing that song. it has simply been butchered far too many times onthis fine television program.
now we have a silly little simon fan club medley, randy's fanclub is considerably smaller and paula of course, has the really deicated, loyal, freaky fans.
edward sanchez grew up watching paula abdul and dancing like her. not a good sign. paula is such a sweetheart, gives him a big hug and kiss. he then proceeds to sing 'donna' really monotone and even tho he made paulas day, its the end for him. it seems he was way more interestedin meeting paula because he was neither sad or surprised that he wouldnt be making the trip to hollywood.
lesson 4 : audition on your own. word.
oh christ, these three girls want to be like kelly pickler, my arch nemesis from last season. they seem to have the lack of brainpower to pull it off too. they are roller waitresess. youre fucking joking me, they come to the audition together, in uniform, on fucking roller skates. how obnoxious. this should be pretty bad.
1st one-not too bad, but nothing impressive at all
2nd-not bad, not great
3rd- way better than her friends. ebony is her name, shes tall and slender and very pretty and she blows her frineds away. she might go far, if she loses her skates and her less attractive, less talented friend.
so the second and third roller waitresses are going to hollywood, but not the first.
this season there is a songwriting contest. who wants to throw down with me? seriously. i need a songwriting partner or two and we'll rock that competition.
wes is an aspiring musician who has almost completed his own album. he does an original song called 'dont worry dont hurry' that features clapping and stomping. 'nuff said.
lesson 5: shake your moneymaker? the answer is: its usually not a good idea.
an 'everybody dance now' medley follows. whatever happened to the cc music factory?
alexander is another young guy who grew up listening to paula and learning how to dance without any formal training, unless you consider paula abduls videos formal training. he cant sing and his dancing is really odd.
lesson 6: clarity
lakisha is a big, beautiful, black woman, just like god. she belts out 'think' by aretha, with the authority of god. simon loves her, calls her 'a good old fashioned belter'. ha. i said it first simon. she sails through. nice.
ok the auditions are over. that was fun and exciting. also, somewhat revolting and a little bit disturbing. but, good things can come from these at times painful auditions. dig this: 'i was so happy cuz the british man didnt make me cry.' priceless.
next week, 172 people will be in hollywood to perform on a real stage in front of the judges in teams. the first round of hollywood is as much about the hilarious lack of cooperation between the contestants as the actual performances. its where dreams go to die for 148 unlucky contestants. sound like fun? yes? well then i will see you there.