Thursday, April 26, 2007

American Idol : Idol Gives Back Pt 2 / Results

70 million votes Tuesday night, and the most "shocking results" ever!

ellen degeneres is at the disney concert hall with earth wind and fire. yikes that guy needs a new haircut. these old timers are in 'boogie wonderland', still rockin after all these years, espescially the bass player who looks like hes been coked up for all these years. 'shining star' and 'do you remember' round out the funky medley.

quincy jones qrote a song called 'time to care' specifically for this event, and our six idols sing it dressed in fancy white suits. thats touching.

that guy from will and grace, david schwimmer and ben stiller put in appearances. since when does ben stiller have gray hair? terri hatcher makes an appeal also. forrest whittaker too.

results will come little by little tonight, melinda is safe.

paula visits a boys and girls club

il divo performs 'somewhere' and they may be the strangest assembly of yound dudes i have ever seen. wierd pop-opera?

dr phil offers words of wisdom

the guy from house who is from australia encourages some audiance donations, then jack black comes to the stge after his seat number is randomly called. he's singingg 'kiss from a rose' top his partner in tenacious d, kyle, in the audience. paula says the school of rock called and wants their diploma back and simon say it was better than sanjaya. seal happens to be there too and he thinks it was the best rendition of the song ever. that was actually kinda funny.

more results: blake is safe.

carrie underwood went to africa too, and she sang 'ill stand by you' to a group of children.

rascall flatts is next, and they are not very entertaining.

a new ford commercial featuring mustangs and the top six singing 'crazy little thing called love'

then a montage of celbrities grooving to 'staying alive' blue man group, marc anthony, lebron james, chris kattan, shaq, seacrest, fibi from friends, miss piggy, kevin bacon, anybody who is anybody...hahaha

phil is safe.

josh groban is on now. he's doin 'you raise me up' i;d actually listen to him way before il divo, if i was in some kind of sick foriegn torture prison and had to choose, that is. the choir of african children missing a lot of front teeth made his performance way better than il divo's.

kelly clarkson is on at the disney concert hall, singing 'up to the mountain'. she sounds dynamtite. highlight of the night so far.

the simpsons guest judge simon cowell in a cute little cartoon thing. that was good.

lakisha is safe, so jordin and chris are the last to find out whether they are goin home.

celine dion travels back in time to 1968 to sing with elvis. wow thats a little creepy. are they both computer generated images, or is it just elvis? i think maybe they are both singing from beyond the grave. the six remaining idols join them onstage and sing some backup ooo's and aaaahhhh's.

madonna also made a trip to africa and makes a short but sweet and direct appeal for money to help kids.

annie lennox now, with 'bridge over troubled water' that was nice.

chris and jordin stand for the final results: chris is safe, and jordin is safe as well. nobody leaves this week, what a scam. you call that shocking?! poor jordin, that sweet and innocent thing is in tears. next week the two lowest vote getters will go home.

bono is so committed to the one campaign he started, it is inspiring. if there is one person who should be mentoring these contestants on what a rockstar should be like, its bono. well maybe axl rose too, but bono for the humanitarian part.

at least 60 million dollars raised with this idol gives back thing, good job america.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

American Idol : Idol Gives Back Pt 1 / The Top Six

thats right america, the calls you make will not only save your favorite contestant, but they will also save lives....this...is idol gives back.

we are conspicuously sans mentor tonight, bono was billed, but he doesnt seem to be present at all. wtf?

simon and seacrest made a trip to africa to see the horrific conditions that millions of children live in, people dying all the time from malaria, a disease that can be prevented with something as simple as a net (i learned that from bill gates)

'songs that inspire' is the theme tonight, and c-rich picks eric capton's 'change the world' which isnt really about changing the world. dude, just because the title sounds nice doesnet mean its about helping anyone but yourself. in fact, its all about if he could change the world he'd make one person love him, not about helping millions of starving children. that was lame, a bad choice and not a good performance either really. randy thinks hes "in it to win it", (plus he had a fly jacket) paula thinks chris' journey is exciting, and simon liked it too. i thought it was underwhelming and cheesy.

where is bono????

oooohhhh FOUR hours of voting time tonight?

big shout out to myspace from seacrest for their support and the idol gives back friend space, dig it.

idol gives back will spread the loot to the poorest regions of america, including katrina stricken areas, poorfolk in appalacia, indian reservations, and homeless people in atlanta.

melinda doolittle will perform faith hill's song 'there will come a day' and although her heart is in the right place she is a lame square and i just dont like her.

blake is up next with john lennon! thats my boy. now here is a song that inspires. 'imagine', in my book, is one of the most inspiring, humanistic, and prolific songs that have been ever written. the judges recognize it as one of the greatest songs ever, but somehow question whether it was the right choice. well hey dipshits, its inspiring songs week, what do you expect? at least simon will say that it was sincere. i say well done blake.

lakisha is up with 'i believe' by fantasia. what a suck-up, but she could sing the phone book and it would be good. the judges, however, clearly preferred fantasias version and were not impressed. its a tough theme this week.

phil is asked what he misses most about home, and naturally he says his two daughters, man what a set-up that was for him to say hes gonna sing 'the change' by garth brooks, which apparently was written about the oklahoma city bombing. phil is such a fucking patriot, the judges cant argue with it without being labeled terrorists. yeah he's got a good voice but hes no american idol. hes's gotta go.....soon???

america's second harvest is great but conagra foods is not.

jordin sparks is last with 'youll never walk alone' and she looks phenomenal. her song, however, is generically 'inspirational' and didnt do a thing for me. "one of the best vocals ever from any contestant, ever" says randy. "glorious" says paula, and simon says "fantastic...i think you'd have a hit record with that, brilliant." ugh.


two hours of idol gives back wednesday night and everyone under the sun will be there. hopefully we'll say adios to phil. unfortunately we may lose lakisha.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

American Idol : The Results 4/18

tonight: fergie performs, martina mcbride performs, and a special sneak peak at shrek 3. plus one of our beloved hits the road.

the top 7 perform 'im allright' i think its a terri clark song, in any case its a totally lame song, perfect for this kind of group singalong.

when did this fergie performance come to be? why was it not advertised? just who the hell does she think she is? she's not popular or qualified enough to be an idol mentor, but gets to sing on the show? she looks like a whore and acts like a cheap shakira knock-off. is this song called 'big girls don't cry?' i think big girls might cry if they have to listen to this nonsense. man that was stupid.

idol gives back is next week yo! its gonna be hot, with gwen stephani, earth wind and fire (go motown adams), il divo(not that hot), josh groban (not hot at all), jack black (funny but not hot), carrie underwood and kelly clarkson, among others of less significance. plus a mysterious pairing of two of the industry's biggest stars. i bet its gonna be michael and janet jackson-just a feeling.


bottom three tonight are sanjaya, blake and lakisha????? this is an outrage. sanjaya, of course, but the other two, thats a downright shame. "it is what it is" blake says when asked if he's surprised to be there in the bottom three. man he is smooth. simon has a huge grin on his face, he couldnt be happier to see sanjaya up there, nor could i.

after the break, sanjaya has tears in his eyes as he is forced to wait with blake and lakisha to see who's time is up. but first, a painfully long clip of the gang meeting with the dreamworks ceo and taking a tour of the shrekmakin' studios, meeting antonio bnderas, and seeing an ultra special screening of the new shrek film. fantastic, thats how you know youre a superstar, man.

martina mcbride is onstage now, and she is looker. 'god is great, but sometimes life aint good' goes her song, and hopefully that is an omen for sanjya, who is wearing a t-shirt that says 'life is beautiful'.

whew, blake is safe, and simon looks pleased. so am i. however, i feel a little uneasy for lakisha......and.....sanjaya is gone!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and im proud to be an american...fuck yeah. his t-shirt has proven to be accurate. 38 million votes cant be wrong. i guess his lack of a wacky hairdo on last nights show was the nail in the coffin. he's hiding his face behind lakisha, and doesnt seem to be interested in letting her go as the montage of sanjyas rise to infamy begins. then, fighting back tears, sanjaya launches into one last terrible performance, this time he thinks he's clever and sings "lets give 'em somethin to talk about, other than hair." not funny dipshit. the sad thing is, he'll probably sell a million records.

peace out muthafucka.
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im superphyched for the idol gives back blowout next week.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

American Idol : The Top 7 & Martina McBride

Martina McBride is on the show tonight, helping the contenders with this week's theme of country music. Martina is probably best known for her song 'independence day' about an abused wife and mother who burns down the house in an act of desperation and vengence and freedom. word. mcbride has sold over 16 million records, and is definitely one of the least offensive modern country music stars.

phil stacey is first with a keith urban joint, 'where the blacktop ends'. a typically cheesy number that phil is unable to liven up with any conviction. lame song, lame performance. randy and paula both think he's found his niche with country music, and simon too?! wow. i disagree judges, that sucked. "i dont know if itll be enough to save you, but it was the right song choice" attaboy simon, get a little jab in there because we all know phil aint gonna last much longer.

jordin sparks is next and she chooses 'broken wing' by martina mcbride. i actually like this song, and martina says "oh my god, that was awesome." j-sparks looks fantastic and man, she is a natural on stage. man you oughta see her fly. thats gonna be a tough performance to top. it was outstanding. paula says jordin looks gorgeous, and simon now believes my girl could win american idol. nice.

sanjaya gets to answer a home viewers question-if you could make one of the judges sing any song what would it be? he'd make simon sing 'shiny happy people'. good answer dude. gets people to smile at the ridiculous notion. 'something to talk about' is his choice, but i aint smilin about it unless it finally gets him ousted from the competition. not a very outrageous hairstyle this week either. that may cost him some votes. his feeble attempt at dancing with one of the backup singers fails, as does his half-assed dancing. "bland and boring" according to randy, paula thinks sanjaya thrives on adversity and calls him loveable, but simon comes right out with it and says it was "utterly horrendous." poor sanjaya looks hurt.

lakisha takes on carrie underwood's 'jesus take the wheel'. generally, doing songs by former idol winners does not end up well, and i hate to say it but this was no exception. she didnt really get into the song, just didnt make it sound good and it was quite possibly her weakest performance to date. judges all wonder about the song choice and think she didnt connect with the song. damn i hope she makes it through this week.

chris richardson does a rascall flatts song called 'mayberry', im not familiar with it and i dont much care for it or the performance. judges were not impressed either, as "the joy and the love that you have didnt come through", according to paula. simon said it was "completely and utterly insignificant", and chris may be in danger too.

melinda doolittle! hey doolittle, have you ever ran into any crazy fans? yes, and she ran away from her. 'trouble is a woman' is her choice and martina says "wow, that was amazing!" i love the steel guitar, and doolittle is actually rocking tonight. she is finally showing some attitude and that was one of the more enjoyable doolittle ditties. judges ate it right up, and simon even compared her to tina turner. a very strong performance from her tonight.

blake is last tonight, from what i hear thats what you get when you show up at the idol house 3 hours after your curfew. he'll be singing 'when the stars go blue' by ryan adams and re-done by tim mcgraw. this is one of my favorite songs and i can hardly believe someone is gonna sing it on american idol. well it wasnt blakes best performance, but it was still good to see and he did just fine.

who's going home? phil, lakisha or chris. man i would hate to see lakisha go home this week, but i think it's possible.

and on the gossip front, i cant help but share this from the ever reputable 'star' magazine. apparently paula was wasted in church, making out with her boyfriend tony and after uneasy churchgoers moved a pew or two away, she passed out in his arms and eventually stumbled out of church. where is that paula these days? she has seemed remarkably sober to me lately, and i find that dissapointing.

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Thursday, April 12, 2007

American Idol : The Results 4/11

35 million votes cast this week. thats splendid, but last night really did not turn out very well for any of the contestants, and as if tuesday nights inevitably dissapointing themed show was not enough, all remaining contestant perform bailamos together. thats gonna be bastante.

akon is performing a song which seems to contain only the lyrics 'dont nobody wanna see us together, but it dont matter, cuz we gonna fight, fight for our right to love'? i think that was the whole song.

another ford commercial, thius time with contestants morphing into eachother like in michael jacksons black or white video. its disturbing more than anything else. also, fords fine line of automoblies morphing into one another. all to the tune of 'so happy together'. that had to be the worst one yet.

"corporate america has really delivered" says seacrest of the 'idol gives back' campaign, including a 5 million dollar contribution from the company that owns fox, news corporation. good ol' rupert. simon tells us about the schools in a box that money raised will buy for african children. this campaign is gonna teach alot of kids.

now some footage of tony bennett in a pretend failed american idol audition. that was mildly amusing.

when asked about simons comments from last night, when he said " i think you have a very good tactic, wear the least clthes possible" because she couldnt compete with her voice alone, haley says her outfit was 'latin-y'.

bottom three = phil, haley and chris richardson. not too surprising.
after the break, chris richardson makes his way back to the , and phil says "we're just blessed to be here!"

before we see j-lo perform, the contestants have a chance to say how great she is in taped commentaries. "one of the best experiences i ever had", haley says of her minutes long session with jennifer lopez.

fuego, smoke, seis backup dancers, i gotta hand it to jennifer lopez, she knows how to perform and create spectacle. that was downright entertaining.

the moment of truth is here for either phil or haley. phil is again safe and h-scar is goin home. excellente. then the flashback on haleys crowning moments of getting through to various stages of the competition while the daughtry hit 'im goin home' is again used as background music. and now, one last performance from haley, who must be bursting with bouncy latin passion right about now. adios.

next week martina mcbride and country music. that could be rough.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

American Idol : The Top 8 / The J-Lo Chronicles

Jennifer Lopez may quite possibly be the origin of the popular "first initial coupled with an abbreviated last name to form a catchy nickname" phenomenon of recent years, and she was also one half of the infamous "bennifer" hollywood tabloid sensation which helped launch the "mash together the names of two ultracelebrities to form a riduculous and extremely bothersome franken-name" phenomenon as well. for both of those reasons and many more, i hate jennifer lopez. among the other reasons 'im still jenny from the block'. nonetheless her new album is #1 on the latin charts so she seems qualified to help our contestants sing 'latin themed music'.

doolittle is up first and shes gonna sing 'sway'. jennifer lopez wants to see whats inside of doolittle, to see how sexy she can be. i just don't think our pal m-doo can be very sexy. pretty sexy lyrics, but doolittle is clearly not accustomed to trying to be sexy. randy and paula liked it but my man simon does not approve, saying it was 'a little bit lazy, a little bit wood'. it just didnt work yo.

lakisha jones, L-Jo, is next and shes making a bold move by taking on gloria estephan and her super sizzling uptempo ritmos. (thats reet-moes). it starts a little odd, but she quickly finds her stride and it is a fun and rockin number. i thought it was great. far better performance and way sexier than melinda.

idol gives back is only two weeks away and rascall flatts have joined the stellar lineup that includes my girl k-clark.

chris richardson, aka c-rich, is such a gringo that he's gonna do the santana & rob thomas song 'smooth'. oh man that did not work at all. he surely could have found something better, but the judges somehow accepted it.

how many american men are tuning in tonight because j-lo and h-scar are gonna be in the same room together. 'turn the beat around' is another feverishly fast gloria estephan song and this is what you would expect from someone recruited to sing at an overnight church rave. id like to see j-lo kick haleys ass.

phil is distracted by jennifer lopez as he sings 'maria maria', again from that quintesential american latin pop music album santana. i am disarmed by his hat somehow, and...that was a surprisingly agreeable performance from p-stac. nothing magical, but it wasn't bad. oh wait now, phil cannot be allowed to say things like "my daughter just got a stuffed animal cow, and she calls it simon cowell" that is just not fair to the other contestants.

before we hear her sing, we get to see how goddamn cute jordin sparks is when she is asked the question what would you pick for next weeks theme? "um, i would probably do 80's music" j-spark says with an adorable shrug, "because i love it. i love 80's music, what can i say?" jordin reminded jennifer of michael jackson somehow as she sings 'the rythm is gonna get you'. another reason to hate j-lo. sexiest performance of the night, she is fantastic.

'i need to know' by "jennifer's husband mark anthony" is b-lew's choice and j-lo sounds mighty skeptical when she says "these songs have to mean something..." blake probably wouldnt have much luck wooing jennifer lopez with this song, espescially with that hat, but it was allright. wow, all the judges think it was a smart choice and that it was the best performance of the night.

last and most certainly least is sanjaya malakar, s-mal. (en espanol 'es malo' significa 'is bad') seacrest calls him the 'embodyment of latin passion' before the break and had me laughing.
"i have to tell you, he really really impressed me" says j-lo, and could someone please add yet another reason to why i hate jennifer lopez? she is clearly just pandering to sanjaya fans to sell some albums. brilliant. his performance is nearly flawless, i absolutely hate to say. it was an easy, safe song, sure to win over any tennage spanish speaking girls who may be watching. the lyrics included kiss me, kiss me much, and so on. he aint going nowhere this week, i mean look at this dude:
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tomorrow night i can only imagine that haley will be gonesville. jamesy out.

Tuesday, April 3, 2007

American Idol : The Tony Bennett Affair / Top 9

80 year old Tony Bennett proclaims "theyre all very competent" befoer the 9 fianlists sing american classics.


blake is going to rock a song that tony has to remind him was 'pre-rap', so he should leave it that way. blake could be a lounge singer if he wanted to, oh yeah. man he sounds classy and effortlessly bounces around the stage while putting on a flawless vocal. "youre a hip cat"! comments paula.

phil has really been looking foward to this week, because tony is an idol to him. paula thinks hes like a young sinatra and simon wonders which sinatra shes talking about. another boring performance from gollum.

melinda doolittle sings 'who could ask for anything more' and randy declares 'this is how you do it america!' simon says we cant even critcize you. eh, wasn't all that great.

chris richardson is gonna sing a song he's never done before and can hardly remember the words to. tony thinks he'll be fine if he can remember the lyrics. he did in fact remember the lyrics and i thought he pulled it off allright, nothing spectacular, but the judges all loved it.

'on a clear day', sings jordin sparks, 'it was right on' says tony bennett, but unfortunately i thought it sounded like a high school musical. damn. 'magnet of joy'....im just so frickin proud of you!' bellows paula.

glocksen! grrr. her performance of 'smile' gets a boost before she even gets on stage when tony bennett says the song reminds him of 9/11 and our troops in iraq. she sounds average as usual, and even tony bennett's loe of our military cannot make that an impressive number for gina.

tony bennett compliments "im a big fan of yours...." to sanjaya malakar. 'dancing cheek to cheek' is sanjayas choice and its such a mellow and easy song that even he cant fuck it up that bad.
"lets try a different tactic this week, incredible!" jests simon.
"welcome to the universe of sanjaya" fires back the 17 year old anti-sensation

'aint misbehavin' a typically dull number from haley. randy and paula do the cloest thing to a 'pass' ive ever seen on the show. "nice legs" is simon cowells only comment. hopefully she'll be gone soon.

lakisha's up and finally we have a chance for a good performance. sure enough she knocked it out, the best of the night.

blake and lakisha bookended the night with the only standout performances, tomorrow tony bennett performs and gina glocksen goes home.