Tuesday, April 10, 2007

American Idol : The Top 8 / The J-Lo Chronicles

Jennifer Lopez may quite possibly be the origin of the popular "first initial coupled with an abbreviated last name to form a catchy nickname" phenomenon of recent years, and she was also one half of the infamous "bennifer" hollywood tabloid sensation which helped launch the "mash together the names of two ultracelebrities to form a riduculous and extremely bothersome franken-name" phenomenon as well. for both of those reasons and many more, i hate jennifer lopez. among the other reasons 'im still jenny from the block'. nonetheless her new album is #1 on the latin charts so she seems qualified to help our contestants sing 'latin themed music'.

doolittle is up first and shes gonna sing 'sway'. jennifer lopez wants to see whats inside of doolittle, to see how sexy she can be. i just don't think our pal m-doo can be very sexy. pretty sexy lyrics, but doolittle is clearly not accustomed to trying to be sexy. randy and paula liked it but my man simon does not approve, saying it was 'a little bit lazy, a little bit wood'. it just didnt work yo.

lakisha jones, L-Jo, is next and shes making a bold move by taking on gloria estephan and her super sizzling uptempo ritmos. (thats reet-moes). it starts a little odd, but she quickly finds her stride and it is a fun and rockin number. i thought it was great. far better performance and way sexier than melinda.

idol gives back is only two weeks away and rascall flatts have joined the stellar lineup that includes my girl k-clark.

chris richardson, aka c-rich, is such a gringo that he's gonna do the santana & rob thomas song 'smooth'. oh man that did not work at all. he surely could have found something better, but the judges somehow accepted it.

how many american men are tuning in tonight because j-lo and h-scar are gonna be in the same room together. 'turn the beat around' is another feverishly fast gloria estephan song and this is what you would expect from someone recruited to sing at an overnight church rave. id like to see j-lo kick haleys ass.

phil is distracted by jennifer lopez as he sings 'maria maria', again from that quintesential american latin pop music album santana. i am disarmed by his hat somehow, and...that was a surprisingly agreeable performance from p-stac. nothing magical, but it wasn't bad. oh wait now, phil cannot be allowed to say things like "my daughter just got a stuffed animal cow, and she calls it simon cowell" that is just not fair to the other contestants.

before we hear her sing, we get to see how goddamn cute jordin sparks is when she is asked the question what would you pick for next weeks theme? "um, i would probably do 80's music" j-spark says with an adorable shrug, "because i love it. i love 80's music, what can i say?" jordin reminded jennifer of michael jackson somehow as she sings 'the rythm is gonna get you'. another reason to hate j-lo. sexiest performance of the night, she is fantastic.

'i need to know' by "jennifer's husband mark anthony" is b-lew's choice and j-lo sounds mighty skeptical when she says "these songs have to mean something..." blake probably wouldnt have much luck wooing jennifer lopez with this song, espescially with that hat, but it was allright. wow, all the judges think it was a smart choice and that it was the best performance of the night.

last and most certainly least is sanjaya malakar, s-mal. (en espanol 'es malo' significa 'is bad') seacrest calls him the 'embodyment of latin passion' before the break and had me laughing.
"i have to tell you, he really really impressed me" says j-lo, and could someone please add yet another reason to why i hate jennifer lopez? she is clearly just pandering to sanjaya fans to sell some albums. brilliant. his performance is nearly flawless, i absolutely hate to say. it was an easy, safe song, sure to win over any tennage spanish speaking girls who may be watching. the lyrics included kiss me, kiss me much, and so on. he aint going nowhere this week, i mean look at this dude:
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tomorrow night i can only imagine that haley will be gonesville. jamesy out.

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