Bo Bice (runner up to Carrie Underwood in season 4 and pictured here with trey anastasio at bonnaroo),
and our good friend Taylor Hicks (season six winner).
11,000 people showed up to audition in birmingham alabama. lets get it on.
first is an auburn student who sings simons favorite song 'unchained melody'. erika is not very good at all, but her friends outside think shes fantastic. she can hardly remember the words, a neverending toture. nice, the first contestant is one of these people who wont take no for an answer, even when the judges are yelling at her to stop singing.
ms high voice thinks her talking voice and singing voice are much different. shes right, because her singing voice is actually pretty good but her speaking voice is absolutely awful, really bothersome. randy likes her, simon doesnt and they bring in her new hubby to convince paula. paula of course syas yes and we'll see her again, minus the obnoxious voice i bet.
tatiana is from atlanta and goes to a performing arts school, is 17, and fucking rocks.
diane is 27 and very big, and sings saving all my love and its the first performance of the night that has me laughing out loud. theres really nothihng funny about it, because i mean shes dead serious and says she normally gets a standing ovation. when all the judges give her flat out 'no's she takes it in stride and leaves without incident. id like to see more of that. listen when the judges say no and dont make a fool of yourself.
bernard williams is 25 and sings micheal jacksons rock with you. he was kinda good but i was all that impressed, neither was paula but the others let him go to hollywood.
next is the ultrastrange and dressed like a 250 pound chicken margaret. she claims shes 26, butshe looks like shes fifty and when it says her name and where shes from, it says age: 26??? simon gets it out of her after calling the singing atrocious and the getup like an easterbunnynightmareexperiment, shes really 33. ok shes 50.
after the commercial break were treated to a montage of people who were good enought o go to hollywood, but not interesting enought for us to see audition?
then we have 17 year old pretty blonde from north carolina, very cute with her little accent. her daddy shot hisself in the neck after catching his wife cheatin on 'im. it wasnt the first time, so like he shot her and he shot hisself. whoa. she sings c. augularia reflecftion and you want her to be good, but shes just okay. they have pity on her and send her on through. no surprises there. could this be the next pickler? simon wouldve said no, he says, but there she goes.
chris is 28 and knows that people think he looks like jack osbourne, but simon thinks his crazy locks look like justin guarinni. can we please stop saying the names of really bad former idols? kiss from a rose and paula is fucking psyched! he was great and sails through. hell ya.
no paula abdul on day two of birmingham, que lastima.
most people say that i sound kinda like a disney character, says thios chick who has hair so long shes gotta wear high heels to keep it off the floor. she brings the mom in, who also has (impressively? freakishly?) incredibly long hair. she not terrible but doesnt make the grade.
lakia is bad. 'what the hell was that?', says simon. 'nuf said.
nicole and team nocole are up next. shes a cute girl from oklahoma, singing something to talk about, but not worthy. tis a shame.
a shot of brandy is next? i can dig it. i like vsop. but ooohhh, brandy sings 'like a virgin' like a stripper would sing it- but not a stripper with any talent. shes got the moves as well the moves of a stripper in a bad strip club. the kind diablo cody never worked at. a rotten audition is all simon says, but he coulda been far crueler. instead of letting it go, she wants to try 'proud mary' on the carpet, becasue the wood stage floor was making her sound wierd. a new excuse! lovely!
so birmingham was pretty entertaining, los angeles and the rose bowl are definitely on my agenda tomorrow night.
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